Moving Past the Breakup

“It’s not you. It’s me.”

One of the most cliché and arguably one of the worst breakup lines ever.

But why is it that bad? Because the “dumpER” really doesn’t tell the “dumpEE” what they need to know so that they can move on.

And in the world of relationships, we find that it isn’t just contained to romantic or social engagements.

Many have found themselves in a place recently where their company has decided to part ways and the best answer they are getting right now is, “It’s not you. It’s me.” – paraphrased of course.

It’s a reorganization. It’s the competitive environment. It’s expense control. It’s them. Not you.

“But that isn’t an answer. Why did they select me? They could have chosen anyone. I’m a top performer!” I heard this from the table behind me at a restaurant this week.

Someone was struggling with the ‘why’ and not able to get past where they are until they understand it – to their desired level of understanding. Unfortunately, it may never come.

Regardless of how many steps you subscribe to in processing grief or loss (which includes the loss of a job), there are sometimes barriers that get in the way from allowing you to move from one stage to another and finally on to acceptance…..if you let them.

And I get it. I’ve been here. I am here.  I’ve gone through the same “why did this happen to me”?

But, life experience has taught me a few things. And I want to share them with you with the full knowledge that maybe this only applies to me, but in a hope that it will somehow help you process your own situation or that of one that is near to you.

If you find yourself stuck after a breakup, here’s 3 things to consider:

1. The ‘why’ doesn’t really matter. In the big scheme of things, understanding doesn’t change the outcome. The breakup still happened. You are where you are. While understanding may better help you mentally and emotionally process your situation to a degree – in reality, you don’t need this information to move forward with your new season. Besides, if you keep stonewalled by the same reply it may be time to stop rattling a tree that won’t drop you any fruit.

2. Don’t over pursue. I have some friends and colleagues that fall in to this category already are over pursuing the ‘why’ – like the person in the restaurant. They “have to know” and they are doing it at a cost. They are running a myriad of negative emotions – and sometimes letting these emotions guide them. Anger, depression, confusion, etc. And it’s driving their actions and tone. Yes, tone. How you say and do things.

While you are free to do what you want, there is a wise old adage about not burning bridges. You never know when you’ll need a recommendation, job, or advice from a former colleague. Everything you do at this point speaks to your character and becomes your reputation. Remember – you can’t control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction to it.

3. Focus Forward. You only have so much energy. If you find yourself stuck, spinning, and wasting your energy – find a way to get past it. It may be as simple as a conscious choice to move past it or it may require counsel and talking it through with friends or even professionals. Sometimes, you don’t see that you’re spinning, which is why outside perspective is good from those you trust. Whatever it is, move forward. Make a plan. Take advantage of the resources and time you have to make a decisions and GO. Sometimes easier said that done, but you will never get to where you’re supposed to go next if you don’t take a step forward.

These are my own lessons from my personal journey. While not the be all end all, they are definitely things that I have had to remind myself of often.

If you are in the midst of a breakup, you may find yourself somewhere along the path of the grief process, which is totally okay! Those stages need to play out. Just know that there is hope for your future! AND don’t get hung up on the things that are going to slow you down and keep you from moving forward.  You’ve got this!

What has helped you get past a breakup?