Mentoring Basics: Part 4

There is an unspoken code of behavior that exists in mentoring relationships. Unfortunately, since it’s unspoken, both participants in the mentoring relationship, unknowingly and unintentionally, may end up doing the ‘wrong thing.’ All individuals come to a new relationship with different styles of communication, different points of view and different expectations. Working in a new relationship with someone very different from you is a skill. As with any skill, the more you practice, the easier it gets. At the very minimum, relationship skills required for mentoring include, showing kindness, practicing patience and flexibility, and conveying a sense of appreciation for the individual’s accomplishments.

To give full credit where it’s due, the previous paragraph was pulled from the website of the National Society of Professional Engineers.  In researching for this post, I came across their webpage on mentoring relationships and the words were perfect for how I wanted to introduce this week’s topic:  Dos and Don’ts of the Mentoring Relationship.

We are in the final stretch now, past relationship initiation and on in to the meat of the relationship.  Quite honestly though, this portion of the relationship is defined by you (the mentor).  Mentorships are just like any other relationship, they’re all different.  And you are going to have to find what works best for you with each mentee.  The best that I can do at this point is provide you with some basic tools for your locker that may help along the way.

As I mentioned, in doing some research – scouring the internet – I came across several recurring themes for successful mentorships.  I’ve distilled them down in to a list of 10 DOs and 10 DON’Ts for Mentors to help on your journey.

DO

• Be Honest.  As a mentor, you should first and foremost be honest.  This doesn’t give you a license to be overly abrupt, insincere, or brutally forthcoming.  You need to lift your mentee up. It also doesn’t mean that you have to overly sugar coat or be Pollyanna-ish in your delivery.  You are in a rare position to provide an honest and balanced perspective to help your mentee grow and develop.
• Be Respectful.   Build your relationship on the foundation of mutual respect.  As the mentor, you should set the example.  Respect your mentee; who they are, what they believe, their experiences, and their opinions.
• Listen.  Do more than just hear the words your mentee says.  Listen and understand what they are communicating.  If you don’t understand, ask questions.  Listening intently allows you to understand so that you can better serve them, but also shows that you are interested and care.  Be in the moment and focus on them.  Remove any unnecessary distractions (e.g., blackberry, email, etc.) from the environment.
• Encourage and Motivate.  You should lift your mentee up throughout the mentorship.  You are their “go to” for support and encouragement. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be honest (see above); you should.   However, your words, tone, and support should strengthen and inspire them.  Find ways to motivate them to positive action.
• Appreciate and Celebrate.  Thank your mentee for their efforts and appreciate them as they take steps towards their goals.  Celebrate the wins, regardless of the size.
• Guide and Suggest.  Don’t give them all the answers straight away.  Guide them down the path, but let them learn along the way.  Try suggesting action rather than telling them how to do it (e.g., “Have you thought about…?”).  Better yet, ask open-ended questions that allow them to figure out the answer.  They will learn much more.
• Build Trust.  Throughout your mentorship, you should maintain a relationship built on trust.  You both have to trust each other with the information you share.  Don’t do anything that would make them feel that their trust has been misplaced.  Keep information that your mentee share’s with you confidential and to yourself.
• Introduce.  Help expand your mentee’s network.  Introduce them to people that they don’t know; especially those outside of their own network and work area.
• Offer Perspective.  Provide a different or alternate perspective of events or situations. When appropriate, play the devil’s advocate.   Help them see the broader picture.
• Be Professional.  I saw this tenet in almost every “mentoring tips” site that I visited; therefore I will emphasize the importance by making it the final DO.  Make sure to keep your relationship professional.  Becoming too good of friends can blur your objectivity and judgment, which will make it difficult to be effective.  You also don’t want to cross any other lines that may damage your reputation, integrity, or career.   Keep it professional.

DON’T

• Assume They Know.  Never assume that mentee’s know information, how to act, what to do, or anything else for that matter.  This doesn’t mean to treat them like a child, but it does mean that you shouldn’t make assumptions.  So, ask them if they know.  If they answer with an unconvincing, “Yeah, I know”, have them explain it to you or tell you what they know.  Example:  “Do you understand our ethics policy?  Tell me what you know about it.” 
• Be Inconsistent.  Don’t be erratic.  There is enough inconsistency in our environment; they don’t need it from you too. They need you to be a stable factor in their life.   Be consistent in the way that you act, hold meetings, and provide direction. Be punctual.  Do what you say you are going to do.  Expect the same out of them.
• Be Vague. Don’t be ambiguous or veiled with direction.  You want them to learn for themselves, but you don’t want them to see you as wishy-washy, indecisive, or unclear either.  There is a balance to be struck between providing clear direction (when appropriate) and guiding them down the path so that they learn for themselves.
• Expect a Clone.  Don’t think that they are going to turn out just like you, act like you, react like you, or process information like you.  Let them be them.  It’s okay – you don’t want a mini-me anyway.  You want them to meet the fullness of their potential, not yours.
• Act on Their Behalf.  Don’t represent them without their knowledge or explicit permission.  Enough said.
• Be Over Protective.  Don’t shield them from every pain and failure.  You have to let them experience and learn.  Help guide them, but don’t shelter them.  Be there to pick them up and dust them off.  Then motivate them to get back in the game.
• Be Overly Judgmental.  Don’t judge their beliefs, their values, or experiences.  They are who they are.  Your role may require you to examine their professional behavior, skills and abilities and then make determinations, but don’t mistake that for free reign to criticize everything about them.  When you do need to comment on potentially sensitive areas, do so with caution and care.
• Talk Negatively.  Don’t talk negatively about other people.  If they do, listen to them and ask them questions to understand further and/or to guide them out of their negativity. 
• Be Their Supervisor.   You are NOT their supervisor.  So, don’t act like it. 
• Set a Bad Example.  Uphold the highest standard of integrity and ethics.  Be a role model. Don’t curse.  Don’t talk badly. Don’t gossip.  Don’t complain. Be someone they look up to; not another person at that water cooler. Set a positive example.

This list is definitely not all-inclusive, but provides a good base for you to build from.  If you are interested in more tips, you can always search “mentoring tips” or “mentoring dos and don’ts” on the internet.

If you have some additional DOs or DON’Ts that you’ve found valuable and would like to share, please leave a comment on the post so that everyone can benefit from your experience.

In the next post, we will wrap up our series on Mentoring Basics with a discussion about how to handle some of the tough conversations.

Enjoy!

~Jason

Mentoring Basics: Part 3(c)

We’re past the halfway mark in exploring Mentoring Basics.  This post is the third of three posts on “how to start a mentoring relationship”.

If you’re new to this series, you can start at the beginning by clicking here.

As we’ve discussed in the last two posts, starting a mentoring relationship correctly is nearly as important as the mentorship itself.  And you as the mentor are in the position to ensure it gets started correctly.

In Mentoring Basics: 3(a) we discussed the importance of asking good questions to understand the what’s and why’s behind the potential mentee’s motivations.

In Mentoring Basics: 3(b) we talked about the importance of honestly assessing the answers to the questions and ensuring they line up with where you are and who you are as a mentor.

Asking the questions and assessing the answers should put you in a place where you can make a decision about whether to say ‘yes or no’ to the relationship.

Now, we’re going to talk about HOW to deliver that decision and set expectations in the relationship.

Delivering the Decision

We’ll start with the NO.  This is a delicate conversation as a leader.  No one likes rejection.  And as a leader, you should feel that you have an obligation to lift others up and improve their situation; even if the answer is no.

First, let’s cover where you say it. I suggest finding a place away from others where you two can talk in a more private setting.  This is a tough message and you want to mitigate any potential embarrassment.

Second, let’s talk about what you say.  I would begin by thanking them for considering you.  It should be very humbling for someone to seek you out as a mentor.  Acknowledge and appreciate them for that.  From there, my suggestion is to be very honest.  Since the answer is ‘no’, then tell them why.  Don’t have the time to commit?  Then say so. Don’t think you’re the right fit?  Then say so.  Don’t leave them wondering.

I also suggest that you are very clear in the words you use.  If you aren’t clear with what you say, it may leave room for vague interpretation and them not understanding it’s a ‘no’.  This is similar to nicely ‘ripping the Band-Aid off’.  They should leave the conversation knowing that the answer is ‘no’.

Finally, let’s look at how you say it.  I’m sure that you’ve heard before that HOW you say something is just as important as WHAT you say.  This is one of those situations that this is definitely true. Again, no one likes rejection.  So, the tone and manner in which you convey the message becomes critical.  Be aware of your body language and focus on delivering the message.  Try to find a way to keep the conversation upbeat.

One way to do this is by helping them succeed.  If you say ‘no’, how can you help them find a ‘yes’?  Can you suggest another mentor?  Introduce them?  Suggest another method for them to learn what they want to learn?  Perhaps it’s to not enter in to a formal mentorship, but instead to provide intermittent support, an occasional lunch, and/or be there to ‘bounce things off of’.

Now let’s discuss the YES.  Obviously, this is a much easier discussion.  However, it’s more than just saying yes.  Delivering this answer is similar to the ‘no’.  You should do it in the right place, with the right words, in the right manner.  The big takeaway here is to ensure that the mentee knows it isn’t just “yes and away we go”, but it’s “yes and let’s set some expectations.”

Setting Parameters

Establishing expectations and boundaries is very important at the beginning of a relationship.  The key here is to be very honest with them about your expectations and how you want this relationship to work.

There’s a multitude of potential boundaries and fence posts in a mentoring relationship, but here are some big ones:

• Set the expectation of key characteristics, for example:
  • openness
  • honesty
  • good work ethic
  • timeliness, punctuality
  • humility
  • reception of feedback
• Let them know how you operate as a mentor.  What are they in store for?
• Set the goals of the mentorship and expected outcomes.
• Set expectations around frequency of meetings or changes to meetings.
• Set expectations around any additional work you may be giving them (e.g., assignments, accompaniment on work trips, etc.).
• Be honest that you may have some conversations with their supervisor (if this is the case).
• Let them know if you are going to need any personal documents (e.g., past evaluations, etc.).
• Set a time limit on the mentorship.

Again, this is not a complete list, but includes many key expectations that should be discussed or at least considered.

One of the most important expectations that is rarely discussed, is the time limit.  This is one that I personally have failed at many times.  Mainly because I never knew how important it was.  If you don’t set or agree upon a time limit in the beginning, it means that you’re left with an awkward or ambiguous situation in the end where things just tend to dwindle off.  Learn from my past mistakes here, it is better to set this in the beginning than try to deal with it later.

Some of the more successful mentorships that I have been involved with as a mentee have been where a time limit was set.  Specifically, besides eliminating the awkwardness at the end, it told me that I had a specified amount of time to accomplish what I was setting out to do.  And a good mentor will help keep the mentee on track.

If you don’t know how long you should structure a mentorship for, I suggest looking in the 6 month to 1-year range.  It’s long enough to get some big things accomplished, but not too short that you are creating a burden of time on yourself or the mentee.

Getting Off to a Great Start

Between the last three posts, you should have a better understanding of the three key steps in starting a mentoring relationship.

• Relationship Initiation – asking questions to understand what and why
• Honest Assessment – understanding and assessing the information you’ve received and how it works with your personal situation
• Setting Expectations – setting parameters to ensure a productive relationship.

These steps are good tools to put in to your Leader’s Locker that should help set you up for a successful mentoring relationship.  What happens next is the follow through during the course of the relationship.

In the next post, we’ll talk through some key mentoring “do’s and don’ts”.

Enjoy!

~Jason

Mentoring Basics: Part 3(a)

The time has come!  It’s time to start a mentoring relationship with a mentee.  This is a critical step in the mentor/mentee relationship process.  It sets the tone for all that is to come.

But how do you start?  What do you need to do as a potential mentor?

In Part 1 and Part 2 of this series we defined mentoring and discussed some of the different types of mentorship.  This should serve as a base for you to make decisions from in this next stage.

As discussed in Part 2, the key factor of TIME should be addressed first and foremost.  How much time do you have to devote to the development of another?    If you agree to a mentorship, but don’t have the time you’ll likely do a serious disservice to yourself and to your mentee.  The impacts of a poor decision are many; starting with your reputation as a mentor.

In addition to understanding how much time you have to commit, having good self-awareness and knowing your own strengths and weaknesses is very important for would-be mentors so that when the “will you be my mentor” question comes (and it will come) you are prepared to assess and answer.

In writing this portion of the article, I found that there was lots of rich information to share, but when I put it all together it was rather long.  So, in the interest of not creating the longest blog post ever, I have decided to break Part 3 in to three separate posts.  This will make the overall series longer, but I think will make it much easier to digest.

Three Basic Steps

Starting a mentoring relationship has three basic steps that should be considered.  This isn’t a “be all and end all” list, but definitely is a great start as you are examining a potential relationship.  These steps can be broken down as follows:

• Relationship Initiation
• Honest Assessment
• Setting Expectations

In this post, we will tackle Step 1: Relationship Initiation.

Relationship Initiation

A mentoring relationship can start a variety of ways.  You may be assigned an official mentee through a formal program, you may ask someone to be your mentee, or more often than not, someone is going to ask you to be their mentor.

If someone asked you that question right now, how would you answer? 

Hopefully you won’t default to that ‘deer in the headlights’ look.  And I also hope that you won’t respond with an immediate ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Think about this for a second.  Someone (most likely junior to you) has mustered their courage to tell you that they admire you as a leader and are asking you to develop them all the while knowing that you may reject them at any second.  And no one likes to be rejected.

So, HOW you answer this question is just as important as the mentorship itself and must be handled delicately and with thought.

Many novice would-be mentors think that they have to provide an immediate answer, but this simply isn’t the case.  A thoughtful answer is much better received than a hasty one.

My response here is typically not ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  It usually is, “If you don’t mind, let me ask you a couple questions before I answer.”  Then I proceed to ask questions similar to the following:

• What are you looking for in a mentor?
• What do you hope to accomplish/learn?
• Why me?

Why ask the questions?  It pauses the need for an immediate response, changes the dynamics a bit, gives me time to think and assess, and allows me to draw out more information from which I can make an informed decision.

If I don’t know the person very well, I may also ask them to tell me more about who they are, their situation, and their goals/aspirations.

The art of listening is critical here.  Listen for what their true need is.  It may require follow on questions to get to the root issue, instead of what may be presented initially.  Use open ended questions.  Don’t be afraid to dig here, because it will set the foundation for your decision and for the mentorship.  Plus, it gives you an opportunity to determine how forthcoming and receptive to suggestion your potential mentee really is.

This line of questioning works more for situations where someone wants to establish a mentoring relationship (official or casual); as compared to someone that just has an infrequent development or perspective question.  Although, listening and asking good clarifying questions may be important in the latter too.

Gaining clarification of what the potential mentee is really looking for is critical so that you can properly assess whether or not you would be a suitable mentor.

Even if you know immediately that you don’t want to mentor this person, taking the time to ask the questions shows thoughtfulness and consideration.  Even if the answer is ultimately ‘no’, the feeling of rejection may be mitigated somewhat because you have been thoughtful and you have acknowledged them and their need.

But don’t make your decision just yet!  Now that you have the information, you need to assess it.

Honest assessment will be the focus of the next post.

Enjoy!

~Jason

Mentoring Basics: Part 2

Mentoring is such a great topic.   Most people genuinely want to be mentored, cultivated, and grown.  Unfortunately, would-be and well-intentioned mentors aren’t always equipped with the right tools in their locker to be a successful mentor.  And when this is the case, the mentoring relationship is rarely successful and people are left disappointed.

Mentors have to work at this aspect of their lives just as much as they work at any other that they want to be successful in.

That is why we’re exploring mentoring from the mentor’s perspective in this five-part series of posts on Mentoring Basics.  In the last post (Part 1), we defined mentoring.  In this post, we are going to talk about putting structure around your mentoring relationships.

Before we jump off in to discussing mentoring structures, I want to pause and discuss one key factor that you should examine closely before you decide to become a mentor.

KEY FACTOR:  TIME

When approaching mentoring as the mentor, one of the most important factors is TIME.  How much time do you have to give?  How much time do you want to spend?  You don’t want to sell your mentees short and you don’t want to do yourself a disservice if it is more time than you can afford at the moment.  Be honest with yourself here.  Many of us “want” to donate and invest more time in others, but you have to be realistic.  If you need to reprioritize your time to spend more time mentoring, then do so.  But don’t commit to it if you don’t have it.

MENTORING TYPES

There are several different ways to classify mentoring relationships.  There is no one right way.   Personally, I have lots of different types of mentors.  Some are official, where we meet regularly and discuss pre-determined development topics.  Others are more casual where I may drop in and “bounce something off of them”.  Some educate and counsel me while in a group setting.  And others are a lunch date every so often to catch up and hear about their business.

One of the first considerations you need to determine as the mentor is how you want to approach mentoring.  Do you want to be more one-on-one?  Or do you want to take the “one-to-many” approach?  Each provides a means to an end and has its own benefits, but each has very different requirements on the part of the mentor.

One-on-One Mentoring

One-on-One mentoring is very personal.  It’s an opportunity to talk specifically about the development need of a single mentee and develop a very precise plan of action to target areas of opportunity.  The focus is very narrow as you are only dealing person, which allows you to “go deeper” in to their needs, but also means that you will be more personally invested.

One-on-One mentoring is:

• Very targeted mentoring of skill or knowledge.
• Confidential and unbiased support for the mentee.
• Usually instructive based upon the needs of the mentee and the lesson that the mentor wants to teach.
• A rich investment of time in one person.
• More personal to the mentor and mentee.  Successes and failures are more readily felt.
• Provides a single perspective back to the mentee.

Group Mentoring

Group mentoring is a “one-to-many approach” that goes by a variety of names (e.g., mentoring ring, mentoring circle, etc.).  There are several ways to conduct group mentoring.  There is no “one ” way to do it.  You can bring people with a similar need together to develop on that need.  Or you can bring people with diverse backgrounds and experiences together to create a multi-perspective environment where issues are discussed.  It really depends upon what you want to accomplish. With this approach, I often see mentors spending a great deal of time on preparing group lessons and “pre-reads” for group discussion.

Group mentoring is:

• More general mentoring of skill or knowledge.
• Confidential and unbiased support of a group of mentees.  How forthcoming people are in a group though depends upon the level of trust of the group and environment that the mentor creates.
• Provides general instruction on topics that apply to many.  However, usually involves the mentor playing more of a facilitator role amongst the group to elicit conversation about the topic and to keep everyone engaged.
• Maximizes mentor’s time investment and reach.
• Less personal.
• Provides multiple perspectives back to each mentee due to group involvement.

So, at this point we are at a cross-roads.  Which type is more appealing to you as a mentor?  Do you see yourself as a group mentor?  Or an individual mentor?  Or both?  If you are new at this, then I suggest that you start with one-on-one relationships.  This will help you gain experience and develop your personal style as a mentor, before taking on multiple mentees at once.

For the sake of the length of this post, we will focus the remainder of our attention on one-on-one mentorship as this type is more prevalent.  We’ll reserve a deep dive on group mentorship for a future post.

One-on-One Methods

How you go about one-on-one mentoring can take many forms.  Official.  Unofficial.  One time.  30 seconds here and there.  Long durations.  Grow a skill.  Share a story.  Help with a problem.  So on and so forth.  “How” you go about mentoring is often determined once you know the “who”, “what” they want to accomplish, and “why” they are asking you (which we’ll discuss in the next segment of this series).

The following are three ways to look at one-on-one mentoring:

• Infrequent – Be the ‘go to’ for people that have a single quick question or issue that they need help with.  This often sounds like, “Hey…Can I bounce something off of you really quick?” or “Have you ever experienced…?”  The expectation here is isolated one time help and not a continuous mentoring relationship.
• Casual (aka “unofficial”) – This is probably the most frequent of relationships classified as “mentorships”.  I have far more “unofficial” mentees than I do official mentees.  These relationships are usually loose in structure, sporadic in meeting frequency, and come and go based upon need.  I have found this style very useful as it allows me to invest time in others in a very casual, but effective manner.
• Official – This relationship is typically the most demanding.  It requires structure, regular frequency of meetings, agreed upon goals, and then action towards meeting the goals.  The time investment here is usually greater.  This is a committed mentoring relationship.  At work, this relationship often falls under a company mentoring program.

This doesn’t define all the ways that one-on-one mentoring can take place, but buckets the majority fairly well.  If you’re interested, there are many free mentoring resources out there that further define relationship types.

Think about your mentoring relationships where you are the mentor OR the mentee.  How would you classify your relationships?

It’s important that you have this base level of understanding about mentoring types and methods, so that you can clearly define in your own mind how you would like to go about mentoring.  This is especially important so that you are prepared when someone asks you out of the blue, “Will you be my mentor?”

In the next part of the series, we will get in to how to tackle that question and how to start a mentoring relationship.

Enjoy!

~Jason