How to Deliver an Awful Evaluation

Warning:  Sarcasm and Satire Ahead

For all you bosses or aspiring bosses out there, giving annual evaluations is part of our job.  However, I’m sure we each approach this task differently.

So, I’m going to help you out here.  For all of you that like the easy path, believe that “less is more” when it comes to effort, and strive to disappoint and demoralize your direct reports, you’re in luck!  Because you’re about 50 words away from 25 tips on How to Deliver an Awful Evaluation.

Let me start by saying that doing all of the below will certainly get you the “Awful” ranking you desire. However, that’s a lot of effort.   So any combination of the following points should do the trick.

Let’s get started!

  1. Show up late.  What’s 10-15 minutes anyway?  It’s an exercise in patience.
  2. Don’t prepare….at all.  That’s a lot of effort….and your time is valuable.  Spend your prep time on more important things, like micro-managing.
  3. Base the annual eval on the last few weeks’ performance.  Hey!  The past is the past.  What’s important is right now!  You didn’t have time to capture all that other stuff anyway.
  4. Surprise them!  Grade them on things you’ve never told them about or give them scores they don’t expect.   Shhhhhh….your performance is a secret!
  5. Regurgitate their self-evaluation or a previous eval.  For those consistent performers, you shouldn’t have to do more than copy and paste.
  6. Don’t provide them their eval or any info ahead of time.  Why should they get to prepare?  You didn’t.
  7. Talk about yourself and make it all about you.  ….because it is, ALL about YOU!
  8. Talk about everything BUT their eval.  We can always get to it later.
  9. Yawn.  Nothing says “I’m interested in what you’re saying” more than you showing them your tonsils.
  10. Let them starve! – Who needs meat or substance in their eval?  Why should you give them anything actionable or constructive to work on anyway?
  11. Don’t provide specific examples of their behavior (good or bad).  Details, schmeetails.
  12. Gossip!  Talking about OTHER associates/employees performance shows them how much they can trust you.
  13. Be vague and try not to be too specific about expectations.  If they were really “that good” they’d be able to read your mind.
  14. Be insincere.  Callousness, coldness, and crassness show how much you really care about their development.
  15. Multi-task.  Check and respond to all emails and texts.  Maybe play a little Angry Birds too.
  16. Don’t allow them any time to talk or talk over them.  Why should they talk anyway?  This is YOUR time!
  17. Use the time to impress YOUR boss.  Show your boss how good you are by doing all of the things on this list.  They’ll be impressed!
  18. Yell and/or raise your voice.  A little intimidation always makes things go more smoothly.
  19. Roll your eyes.  This is an easy way to let them know what you think about what they’re saying.
  20. Cut them off.  Stopping them mid-sentence keeps the eval from going over the scheduled time.
  21. Read the eval to them…verbatim.   It’s not likely they know how to read anyway.
  22. Misspell things on their eval.   Thar’s no ned 2 spund tim on spalling.  Ur beeeng ufficnt wit ur tim.
  23. Conduct the eval in a public, distracting, noisy environment.  No better place to have a private conversation!
  24. Nod off.  Catching a few Zzzzz’s is okay – we’re only rehashing the past.

And my personal favorite.

25.  Lie.  You know, the opposite of being honest.  What does truth have to do with an eval? It’s all a matter of perspective.

As I’m sure you can tell, this list is not all inclusive.  There are many more things that you can do that will derail and erode your direct report’s confidence and trust in you.

Even better, once you deliver an eval in the manner prescribed above, your reputation will quickly precede you.  This means that any current or future direct reports (and their colleagues, and their colleagues,…) will know what to expect – which (as a disclaimer) – may ultimately help you free up a lot of time on your calendar.

Now, you’re all smart people.  If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be in the position that you’re trusted with.  So, I’m sure that you’ll use the above list wisely.

What else can you think of to deliver an awful eval?

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